It's my birthday....

Well, it's my birthday again. Too me, the crappiest day of the year, (next to Valentine's day- but that's another blog)

I hate my birthday. I'm "down" all week....not exactly sure when this started happening, but it's been a few years now. My B-day seems to remind me of all the things I haven't accomplished in my life. All the wrong choices I made, all the failures I've endured, how I'm not where I expected to be at this point in my life, and of course- how lonely I am, and what a loser I feel like for being "alone." When I say alone, I mean "sans girlfriend."

Loser, loser, loser..........that's what keeps running through my head, almost like a jingle for a commercial. I feel like there's gotta be something seriously wrong with me for not being able to find a girl. My objective sense of how I feel others view me is that I'm a tall, good looking, intelligent, charming, funny, kind of guy. Most of the traits I'm suspecting girls look for in a man.......and yet they seem to do me no good. I might as well be a short, fat, bald introverted curmudgeon.....actually, that's kind of how I feel inside.....and try as I may, I can't shake how I feel about myself.......if I have all these "positive" traits that women are attracted to, then why am I still alone.....I guess my "secrets" must have really fucked with my head and convinced me that I'm no good, not worthy of any decent girl.

To be fair, in recent times, I haven't made much effort to put myself out there and actully work to try and find one, but that's mostly because I feel like it's a never-ending pattern of defeat....I don't even trust myself anymore to try and find a nice girl, because all the girls I end up going with are...shall we say, not the kind I'd bring home to meet mom......I guess I feel that's all I deserve. Even right now, I'd been seing a girl for a few months now, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's the wrong girl for me, (for anyone the more I think about it...) I've been nothing but nice to her, and she's treated me like shit and fucked me over time and time again. I can't take how badly she treats me, makes me feel like shit about myself, and I've tried to break up with her a few times....but she keeps coming back, and seducing me back into seeing her again.....sound twisted? Well it is!!!

That's how low I feel about myself, that I would subject myself to her dishonest, self-centered ways again and again......even now, she screwed me over again last week, and we're not really talking....but all I can think about is if she's going to call me on my birthday.....what the hell's wrong with me?????????????

I feel like I deserve much better....but I just don't know if I have it in me to be able to go get it....not even sure how.