So it's come to this... Sitting here in the dark, plucking away at my keys, preparing to tell the world my deepest, darkest secrets........I've never "blogged before," but a friend of mine thought it would be therapeutic, and also an opportunity for me to anonomously share my demons with others and get their opinions on stuff I'd normally never talk about. So with a "what have I got to lose" kind of attitude, here I am plunging into blogger world.....
Me in a nutshell: I'm in my mid-thirties, have many advantages in life, kind of a tall, dark handsome kind of guy. Well liked. Well spoken. Educated. Talented. Street-smart. Some would say charismatic........But in another life, I was a drug addict, drug dealer & generally undesirable person. Most people who know me now have no idea about my past, and would probably never guess. To be honest, I've done a pretty miraculous job in turning my life around and becoming another person. However.............some mistakes you can never take back, and I'm haunted by some things that happened to me years ago. I contracted Herpes from unprotected sex with the wrong person, and then won the super-sweepstakes when I contracted Hepatitis-C from the wrong needle. Nice luck, huh? Never thought it'd happen to me..........Yeah, blow me life.
Anyway, despite the fact that I've turned my shit around, I feel like inside, that I'm a "fucked up person" and damaged goods. I'm somehow, wearing a mask with these secrets I'm carrying around and that if people ever found out the truth about me, that I'd be ostrasized and branded with a scarlet letter. I'm paranoid about anyone finding out about my medical conditions and I think it's effected a number of issues in my life. One of the biggest ones is my relationships with women. You can imagine how my "secrets" would make things very difficult when it came to me feeling comfortable with women....I've always seemed to date the wrong girls, and things never ended up working out long term, so I'm not married, don't even have a steady girlfriend. I'm pretty sure subconsciously I've been going for girls that won't want a long term relationship, because I'm scared to death that the day would have come when I had to "reveal" the truth to them, and I feel like I could never do that....partially for fear she would freak out and want nothing to do with me, and also because I'm so paranoid that if someone found out, they could reveal my secrets to anyone they wanted. So, I've lived a life of short, meaningless relationships that were doomed to fail from the beginning..........
The funny thing is, neither one of those diseases really affects my life. I take medication for the Herpes, so I don't get outbreaks, it's like I don't have it, (I still always practice safe sex). And the Hep C has been looked into by doctors who tell me it's not really hurting me, I take tests all the time and they seem to indicate that the virus isn't really damaging my liver, the doctors tell me it may never have an effect on my life at all, and if it does it won't be until much later in life, but......but that doesn't seem to matter, I still KNOW I have them, and that still screws with me mentally. I'd really like to settle down, have a nice girlfriend and family, but I have a very negative attitude that those things will never happen for me, because of the issues that plague me. Wow, I just realized how long this thing is........eecch. Sorry folks......well, that's enough for one sitting, sorry for the eye-strain, but once it started coming out, I wanted you to have all the facts.......so, if anyone out there has gone through anything similar, maybe you could share with me, your thoughts, opinions, experiences and help me understand what I have to do to come to terms with my situation and finally experience some happiness, unburdened with feelings of self-loathing, lol.
