It's my birthday....

Well, it's my birthday again. Too me, the crappiest day of the year, (next to Valentine's day- but that's another blog)

I hate my birthday. I'm "down" all week....not exactly sure when this started happening, but it's been a few years now. My B-day seems to remind me of all the things I haven't accomplished in my life. All the wrong choices I made, all the failures I've endured, how I'm not where I expected to be at this point in my life, and of course- how lonely I am, and what a loser I feel like for being "alone." When I say alone, I mean "sans girlfriend."

Loser, loser, loser..........that's what keeps running through my head, almost like a jingle for a commercial. I feel like there's gotta be something seriously wrong with me for not being able to find a girl. My objective sense of how I feel others view me is that I'm a tall, good looking, intelligent, charming, funny, kind of guy. Most of the traits I'm suspecting girls look for in a man.......and yet they seem to do me no good. I might as well be a short, fat, bald introverted curmudgeon.....actually, that's kind of how I feel inside.....and try as I may, I can't shake how I feel about myself.......if I have all these "positive" traits that women are attracted to, then why am I still alone.....I guess my "secrets" must have really fucked with my head and convinced me that I'm no good, not worthy of any decent girl.

To be fair, in recent times, I haven't made much effort to put myself out there and actully work to try and find one, but that's mostly because I feel like it's a never-ending pattern of defeat....I don't even trust myself anymore to try and find a nice girl, because all the girls I end up going with are...shall we say, not the kind I'd bring home to meet mom......I guess I feel that's all I deserve. Even right now, I'd been seing a girl for a few months now, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's the wrong girl for me, (for anyone the more I think about it...) I've been nothing but nice to her, and she's treated me like shit and fucked me over time and time again. I can't take how badly she treats me, makes me feel like shit about myself, and I've tried to break up with her a few times....but she keeps coming back, and seducing me back into seeing her again.....sound twisted? Well it is!!!

That's how low I feel about myself, that I would subject myself to her dishonest, self-centered ways again and again......even now, she screwed me over again last week, and we're not really talking....but all I can think about is if she's going to call me on my birthday.....what the hell's wrong with me?????????????

I feel like I deserve much better....but I just don't know if I have it in me to be able to go get it....not even sure how.

I did it.......

Got out of bed yesterday and would not be deterred....clad in my underwear with bedhead only a mother could love, I sat at my computer and tried to find an agent. It's amazing how from the safety of your computer, you can go after the important things in your life looking like a homeless person...

Called my first choice up, and was put on hold. When the person returned, I took a deep breath, and launched into.."Hi, my name is @$%#@, I"m a voice artist interested in obtaining representation. Do you know who I might speak to about that..?" He replied,
"The same thing I told you before, the email address for demo submissions is on the website."
Momentarily stunned, I weighed the pros and cons of trying to explain that I hadn't called before, then decided on simply asking if he knew the name of the person I could address it to. He gave me two names, and said either one could pick it up. Figured I'd try one more, "Possible to speak to one of them...?"
"No...send in your submission"
Not exactly the warmest introduction to Voice-world, but at least I knew where to send my demo to. Next I tried my other top pick on my list....answering machine. Left a message explaining who I was and asked that the agent contact me at his convenience, then sent my demo package to the only email address listed on their website.

So far, no word from anyone. But.......................................................................................I took the first step. Happy 'bout that. I know it's going to be a long, tough journey, but at least now I feel like I've got my motor running, and heading out on the highway........

Trepidation.......

Wow, my fourth post. I feel like I'm becoming.....eeeks, a blogger!

It's Sunday, 4:30am...just finished work, (that's another story for another time) and the TIME is approaching. I'm in the middle of that weird witching hour when one week rolls over into the next, and for me, next week signifies something I've been putting off for the last year and a half. Next week I have to go find an agent...

My demo's done. Labeled. In a case. I have a covering letter and performance resume. I don't have one single excuse left. Nothing left to do but this...I've worked hard, I had private training from some of the best teachers in the city, I put the time in, I have a good demo, done by one of the top studios, and heard nothing but positive things about my voice & demo. And yet, that all seems to play second fiddle to the fact I'm SCARED SHITLESS about having to go "put myself out there" at the mercy of some "professonal's" opinion. As long as I'm not putting myself out there, the dream can live on in my head. I think I'm scared I might hear something I don't like, and that would ruin the nice little fantasy I've been playing out in mee 'ead.

I know, I know......nothing ventured, nothing gained. Can't win if you don't try. What if someone really likes me and picks me up....I try to take solace in all these cliches, but I've still seemed to find a way to delay this moment for a long time.....and now it's here. If I don't make my move now, I fear I never will, and that means that this week I've got to risk my fragile ego/confidence all over the place trying to convince someone to take me aboard. Maybe it'll go my way...but I'm still not looking forward to it. But I promised myself that no matter how scared or nervous or anxious I got, that this week I WILL CALL AS MANY AGENTS AS I NEED TO UNTIL I FIND ONE THAT WILL TAKE ME.
Let's see how it all turns out.......

Something to say.......

Got to say, this still seems weird to me. The idea of writing my thoughts for a bunch of strangers is still so....I don't know, almost narcissistic, lol. I can't get used to the idea that people give a shit...but strangely enough, you seem to, so I thought I'd write again. I'm proud of myself today. I've been thinking a lot lately about what could have been, should have been or might have been. But I feel like I"m finally starting to make some headway in believing in what is yet to be.

To answer Sue's question, my passion right now is voice acting. When I was young, everyone thought I'd be "that guy" that made it....I was the lead in all the school plays, had the big booming voice, blah, blah..... but then, if you read my first blog, you know what happened next. And before I knew it I'd been through 2 rehabs, jail, detox and a military academy -twice. By the time I finally pulled my head out of my ass and straightened my life out, it seemed that my performing days were over. But then I got the bug again a few years ago and started wondering, "what if....."

So I took private voice acting lessons for a year, graduated Second City level A, got a professional demo recorded, and then proceeded to totally wimp out when it came time to get an agent. Everything just sat on the shelf for another year, while I wallowed in my stagnant, comfortable rut. But then I funny thing happened........I started believing in myself again. So I got 20 copies of my demo burned, had labels created, bought jewel cases and a CD stomper and started getting myself ready to get out there and kick some ass....(or at least find an agent.) I've still got bullshit-issues to deal with, but for now, the bullshit goes on hold while I get ready to mount my attack on the voice world...next week, maybe I'll talk about the woes of finding an agent, but for now, with my little pile of labeled CD's with my name on them...I feel like a star.

Thanks

Wow, wasn't expecting people to actually give a shit about my problems...lol. Just want to say thanks to all that posted and gave me your words of inspiration and advice. I haven't posted anymore since my first 'cause I'm not really sure what to say...I said my problems, I guess I just expected to get some advice or dialogue going. But I wanted to thank you guys for making me feel welcome, and also for not judging me. I will work on a new topic as soon as I can think of something interesting to say...lol. And I welcome anyone new that shares a similar experience, it helps me to know I'm not alone...

MUCHO GRACIAS AMIGOS!!