why don't I like me..........

Haven't been around in awhile. I think I find it painful here. Always feels like I'm opening up my soul, which is liberating, but scary at the same time. I'm also a pretty hard case when it comes to being pessimistic about changing my thoughts about how I feel about myself...Plus, I've done a couple of pretty thorough posts about my problems, so I think I feel like a bit of a whiner, bitching and complaining about the same stuff over and over.......but I kind of feel liks shit today, and a friend of mine is pushing me hard to do this, so I'm going to have to try and come up with some "material", lol.........
Today, I'm thinking about why I feel so fucked up. By fucked up, I mean, out of whack, out of balance, unsettled, unhappy....I'm trying to figure out when I started to hate myself. I've known I've had herpes for the last 18 years and have had to learn to live with it and it made me feel like a loser. But then, about 6 or 7 seven years ago, when I learned that I had also contracted hepatitis-C, (years ago, before there was a test for it) I felt like that was the end of me. I was damaged goods.....I felt (feel) no matter what other positive attributes I have to offer, that no mate would ever be able to look past that......it's not only the, "gee I have something to tell you" speech but once that's over, I'll have to head into the "uh, and one more thing...." who's going to sit through both of those without running out of the room. The truth is, sad to say, I don't know if I could deal with all that if the shoe were on the other foot....
Anyway, I feel like the negativity surrounding those issues have somehow bled into all other aspects of my life, and in some strange way, really made me dislike that person that I am. That's who I'm living with now. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes a little worse, but always....somehow, damaged. I try to deal with it. I try to accept it, but it's really, really hard............plus i'm a little extra bitter 'cause I just came out of a crazy, weird, unnatural relationship with a twisted, psycho.....all I seem to attract these days.
Also: Thanks to everyone who had nice things to say on my birthday post, I disappeared for awhile and (and thank you Sue for the B-day card, it was cool:)