Haven't been around in awhile. I think I find it painful here. Always feels like I'm opening up my soul, which is liberating, but scary at the same time. I'm also a pretty hard case when it comes to being pessimistic about changing my thoughts about how I feel about myself...Plus, I've done a couple of pretty thorough posts about my problems, so I think I feel like a bit of a whiner, bitching and complaining about the same stuff over and over.......but I kind of feel liks shit today, and a friend of mine is pushing me hard to do this, so I'm going to have to try and come up with some "material", lol.........
Today, I'm thinking about why I feel so fucked up. By fucked up, I mean, out of whack, out of balance, unsettled, unhappy....I'm trying to figure out when I started to hate myself. I've known I've had herpes for the last 18 years and have had to learn to live with it and it made me feel like a loser. But then, about 6 or 7 seven years ago, when I learned that I had also contracted hepatitis-C, (years ago, before there was a test for it) I felt like that was the end of me. I was damaged goods.....I felt (feel) no matter what other positive attributes I have to offer, that no mate would ever be able to look past that......it's not only the, "gee I have something to tell you" speech but once that's over, I'll have to head into the "uh, and one more thing...." who's going to sit through both of those without running out of the room. The truth is, sad to say, I don't know if I could deal with all that if the shoe were on the other foot....
Anyway, I feel like the negativity surrounding those issues have somehow bled into all other aspects of my life, and in some strange way, really made me dislike that person that I am. That's who I'm living with now. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes a little worse, but always....somehow, damaged. I try to deal with it. I try to accept it, but it's really, really hard............plus i'm a little extra bitter 'cause I just came out of a crazy, weird, unnatural relationship with a twisted, psycho.....all I seem to attract these days.
Also: Thanks to everyone who had nice things to say on my birthday post, I disappeared for awhile and (and thank you Sue for the B-day card, it was cool:)
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9 comments:
Writing about your issues is very painful Enigma, but liberating. The truth is unlocked when it is written. Guilt, sorrow, regret, and all those emotions associated with the thoughts that cause the pain are released when you "Open Up Your Soul" that is why it feels good when you write, you release the pain that is bottled-up inside of you.
You are most welcome! It was my pleasure! :-)
For the record, I do not think of you as a whiner. It is cathartic to write. Difficult at first, yes, but so are other things, like learning any new skill in life we must risk some discomfort before we can move forward (walking, talking, reading, riding a bike).
I'm still here.
you are more than your disease.
a friend of mine has hep. when i think of him, i do not think of his disease. i think of what a wonderful person he is. he shares knowledge and is so very supportive. he is a musician and makes beautiful music. he is gentle and loving. he is good to animals and people alike. he has a great mini horse....lol. he lets the horse sit on the couch. mark is a good dad -- i know his daughter too. he had some wild years in his past, but they are not who he is.
i had a housemate who was hiv positive. he was not his disease. he was funny at times. he loved music and was always singing. he was a bit lost. he was always looking for happiness but did not realize how lucky he was with all he had around him. he was not his disease.
i have known people with cancer. they are not their disease.
i have two family members with rheumatoid arthritis. they are not their disease.
you are not yours. i am sure you are so, so much more. do not lose yourself or your self worth to disease. embrace all that you are.
i wish you well,
storm
the road to self worth is not easy...it was down right painful for me...but the alternative was no longer an option for me...it was either start down the road to love myself or die (literally)...you are on the right path...just keep moving in this direction...one day at a time...one step at a time...one breath at a time...consider it has taken you years to be where you are now, give yourself some time to to get on another path...also remember this...don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up...
Just wanted to check in on ya! How are you? Need a hug? Candy? A smile? :-)
Silly coincidence, the word verification says 'promess'. So... I'm going to promise to listen if you need to talk.
Happy New Year!
I have heard it said there is strength in numbers, and I know it helps me to not feel so all alone. Thank you for writing, I also understand the ...it feels like whining, but it helped me to read it. SO please, whine some more.
No! And I don't believe you believe you are as fucked up as you think you are.
Thinking about you lately... Bruno's comment reminded me that your blog is still open for comments. I hope you get this.
I'm still willing to talk/listen if you need. Privately, too. My email is in my profile.
I wanted to say 'I understand', too. More than I let on before. But, I do. Hope you are doing OK.
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